an empty bird cage

a little heart beating so fast
while a minute ago it was just as normal as any other day.
the cat pounced on me
and brought me down to the ground.
i was this little bird
full of pride...
proud
of my ability to take flight
of my ability to escape from those vicious paws and curious minds...
but it was my carelessness
that took my pride.
i struggled through the attack
she was like a block of skyscrapper ripping at me in all directions
i struggled
i failed
i gave in to fate...
but came a lady screaming and taking me away from my harm
but it was too late
my little heart has bled
but yet not to be seen.
for the last night of my very short life
i sat in a luxurious cage she had
yet he took me to another place
i listened as the world goes by
for the last time
i slept and in the morning
i struggled to stay awake till he came with a worm in his hand
'good morning' i heard him say
but before i could say 'goodbye',
i choked on my last breath and went away.

dual reality...

have you ever felt dual reality?

when you feel so much for something yet you feel just as much against it...

it's a very funny feeling.

wallentine...

i felt so in love with him yet so not in love with him...

it's a very funny feeling.

i met wallentine a year ago. almost.

we met. we shagged. we were in love.

yet after our third meeting i whispered to him while standing about fifteen feet away from him.

... jag alskar dig.

he replied, jag alskar dig.

and i turned and walked away...

we had not fought.

we just knew it was the perfect moment to part as lovers.

i was so totally in love with him then yet i was so totally not in love with him.

at that precise moment.

we felt the presence of the dual reality.

we felt complete and at one with the universe.

my journey to the west...

the train comes
we board
we get there...
ok, unless you are on the london underground...

it's good to know where you want to go
and how to get there
but we have to board it...
it's not good enough if you never actually embark on the journey.

it's been months i have planned for my journey to the west
to tibet and nepal that is
it's now two weeks to it
and i am having a little cold sweat
...

it's so comfortable being in singapore, jobless
doing nothing all day...

it's good that i have weaved a relationship with my folks
and that some of my childhood issues are cleared

but all these partying and partying
has left me numb to my own greater senses

hence, i need to embark on my journey to the west to go deeper into myself...

my journey , my journey...
isnt it that i look inside myself to find myself?
then why am i going away to look inside myself?

i know... there are just too many distractions here

the garang guni man and his horn,
the neighbours radio,
the cars,
the doors shutting,
the constant noise pollution in singapore is so distracting

then there is the drinking,
the unneccessarily luxurious tempting food,
the gorgeous looking people!!!!!

i cannot wait to sit on the mountain and breathe the fresh air
and be with myself...
once i know myself... i will always be able to find me.

hence, i shall embark on the journey physically in this reality as i have already done so in my others... ok, ok, no sweat, no sweat!

as for now the garang guni man has still got my attention! arghhhhhh......

irony

it has been a very rewarding yet a very upsetting day for me...
how could it be right?
what irony... yet irony exists for a good reason i have just realized today...
it makes you see both sides of the story and thus making it full and beautiful.

i have learned about confidence.
confidence is strength gained through practice...says he.
yet faith is confidence before practice...
it's the ultimate knowing.

i realized that whatever strength or knowledge you know or prossess
it is meaningless if others are not there to appreciate.
there is only so much you can do for yourself
and much more needs approval from others as of universe.

like a universe has no reason for existence
if it does not stand the test of human destruction
for a greater understanding of it powers

it is thus not an arrogance but a test of faith.

yet knowing that you have no control of all yet you createall...
that is the beauty of creation
that is the beauty of faith
that is beautiful
that is irony

ah... really?

ah...so today i walked into a tibetan temple in my estate....

i was standing by the notice board reading the notices and read that whoever wants to speak to the monks needs to booked an appointment and the appointment lasts 10 mins unless the monks should allow us to stay longer...

oh man, booking in advance! me lazy bones would never get half way to the office!!!

but i thought to myself... it would be nice to speak to one though... one then appeared as soon as i turned around.

erm, hi.... (right ollie. look here's your chance! stop him! )
oh, can i go into the temple? (oh ollie, you dumb arse! it's open to the public!!!)
yes, he said... but what would you like to do?
erm,.... to meditate? (yes, ollie try to sound spiritual )
yes, but do sit in the back...
(oh no, must be my dreads... noticed i have sent many people staring at me!) (say something ollie! he's moving away!!!)
Oh, in the back? (i felt like such an idiot!)
yes, he moved back towards a bench and offered me to sit beside him... (i must have look desperate to talk to him!)
GREAT! NO APPOINTMENT NEEDED!

so we spoke...
about life...
about tibet...
about buddhism... (ok, he was talking...for a change!)

then i told him about my discoveries this last year...
he then past me a blue banner like thing and asked me what i saw... i felt a gold light and saw something... he then confirmed it and said it is of a golden nature and has a golden light... and confirmed the other. but as i was holding it, i felt i was flying... woohoo!

i asked him very silly questions like why are monks ... monks?
why this? why that?

i felt like a kid.
but a grown kid.

there's no answers to questions but the answers are in the speeches...
how subtle yet how not!

i have learnt
i felt a lot more relieved for some things seem clearer now.

he puts me back on the path i have been tip toeing on... yet almost straying...

drinking, smoking, partying have been so much a part of my life of late... it's been GREAT fun! yet damaging to my soul... (ok, that doesnt mean i aint partying no more!) But maybe less for the time being...

anyway, after about an hour (Yes ONE hour!!!) (oh, and without an appointment!!!) it was time for him to have his dinner...

and he said you may meditate in there if you want but do sit in the back...

its my hair right? scaring people? (or is it because i ve been hit by an ugly stick while i was borned?)

he chuckled!!!

oh ollie... maybe you should start blending in... indeed i blended in with the colourful wall paper in the back!!!!

Really!

unify

was feeling really uneasy all day yesterday...
was looking for events to happen
went to bed at 9 pm and slept till 12 am ... still nothing happened except some amazing dreams...
funny, to me my dreams are always so real sometimes i feel that my dreams are my reality and these waking moments are in fact my dreams...

but how can i support that when many times my dreams do not relate to each other...

i unify.

i unify my dreams and my waking moments.
my dreams are messages from my subconcious mind while i am resting my concious. Bringing out the messages i would have usually missed out on.
and my concious mind puts these messages into actions or remedy the next waking day.

unify.

thus, i unify my concious and my subconcious mind for my unified reality. making it whole. making it full.

i dreamt in my dream that i was awake yet i know i was dreaming but i wasn't sure. then i looked out of my window in my dream to see two men shouting on the streets ... ' what do i do? i don't know what is real and what is not?' hence, i wake thinking. this is indeed a problem.

but then the next day, i woke up and read a text recieved during the night. my friend told me that he has thought of the name for our healing centre in london. 'Unify'!!!

was it not then my subconcious mind's questioning answered in my concious world?

is that not a unification indeed.

i wish all religions, cultures, people be unified someday or perhaps that is a bit far fetched and idealistic.

may i then wish that every one's heart be unify oneday...

moving but not moving

moving and moving...
i seem to be moving quickily now.
yet i have no where to go
and i am going no where.

not moving and staying in singapore
yet i feel like i have be strolling along quite quickily in lfe.

i have met many interesting people whom have encouraged me and confirmed me that i am on the right track.

what track?

to be honest, i don't really know... but i know the destination.

Or... do i?

thank you all for helping me build my dream.

i hope i have helped you in yours!

new insights

last march...
after i read about channeling, i watched a movie where this woman could see into someone lifes while holding their hands.
i saw and i thought to myself. thats just what i could do in future.
three days ago, i met him.
i placed my hand on his back and saw him climbing a tree as a child
and a tree house he once had.
and later i saw more visions...
though i didnt trust myself enough to tell him all that i saw fearing he would mock me
i had confirmed myself that i was not astray when he told me the incidents i mentioned.
its a gift that had always existed but never trusted.
now that i have more faith in myself.
i have more faith in my gifts.
thank you.